To Kill A Microphone

Graphite Admin

1/11/20173 min read

diagram: pressure (at 16sec) and fallout of 150 kiloton atomic bomb detonated over Manhattan


1. What does it do?
Ideally, the microphone is the prime witness, the fact-checker, the testifier, (of) the world, but there are many ways this high position can be undermined. The microphone carries data that is evidence, tried and true, thus the beginning of the transference, transmittance, and amplification of energy.

2. What does it want to do?
The microphone wishes to help others (“others” can be you but please ask politely) and make them happy, it is good at doing the job.

3. What does it not want to do?
The microphone has no consciousness, and therefore no desire to hear anything. It has no right to declare when to start and stop. The microphone cannot possess ownership of itself; this ownership is constantly fleeing from the law. Public domain sound banks are the sounds of a free microphone owned by nothing but itself. Microphones on their own cannot fool, trick, or deceive, but their hardcoded, hardware, hard limitations may lead to their non committal / accidental participation of such acts.

4. Where can I find it?
iPhone, Headphones plus a little more, movies, speakers, Packages sealed with Amazon Prime tape, Big funerals for famous people, Big important places where people eat lunch outdoors.

5. What does a microphone feel?
Microphones are terrified and willing to pay premiums to distance themselves from the swimming pools and sandpaper-lined pockets that will come very close (but never completely) to their fragile electromagnetic components. It is apparent that the sight of a microphone in public is actually of the protective sheath or tunnel that will keep them out of harm’s way.

As a microphone gains thickness and prominence, they project a civility that will simultaneously protect and endanger them. Shrink them, and they will be hidden, but the chance of their will not being held by you will grow. When you buy a phone, the tiny microphone holds a promise to never, ever tat on your asshole being... but it also has no idea where said promise came from, nor does it possess an ability to apologize should this bond be broken.


1. Confiscate:
In the developed, attackable world, microphones are supposedly as present as humans are, but when the local pyrotechnic violence punctures the Starbucks, there is a high likelihood that the microphones attached to the bodies were never informed of any fears to activate in the first place. Handing the voices of the lost to the blinking red light leave opportunities for confiscation, and the quelling of any fears through the destruction of any immediately noticeable microphone paraphernalia.

2. Proliferate:
Do not use electrical tape to hide your edit. Let the confusion reach the speakers at the exact same time the other confusions do. The neutrality of a microphone loses all stability as soon as it is proliferated. Microphones no longer cover a start to end, but an endless chain of irregular and poorly angled cuts that extend for all infinity, coincidental intersections to permit. Confusions destroy microphones as their bits and waveforms are compressed to fit into the newsfeed.

3. Overwhelm:
With incredible speed, the microphone’s automatic noise reduction stabilizes the incredibly loud waveform and loss of life of a tragedy into that which could be transferred with little distortion and blood. The only way to achieve accuracy is to place the microphone right next to the bomb, of which the waveform is so strong that the automatic noise reduction is destroyed... as well as the microphone itself... as well as the consequent flow of data. If I want accurate sound I must go closer, but I will lose the microphone. If I want the sound, I must go farther, but I will lose accuracy. I hope one day we will comprehend the explosion, successfully transfer the explosion, and dissipate our giant conflicts through tiny explosions in our homes.

4. Protect:
The fatal sound of a real explosion is actually far too terrifying, distorted, and incomplete. Real explosions are also of low quality, with the wishes of left unfulfilled: should’ve had more numbers, everyone at Pulse should’ve died, should’ve had less of an agenda. Hollywood provides excellent opportunities to protect your ears with high definition sounds operated at densities far too high to be real. Anticipated explosions are rife for exploitation and consumption, to be green-screened into the wrestling ring of the eight-packed, cherry syrup-encrusted Firstname Lastname.

5. Conserve:
A microphone can be killed in the midst of cost-cutting, space-saving measures to aid the manufacturer of a product. The Chelsea bombing of 2016 has no specific sound to be registered, because the only footage available is that of a bodega security camera. Designed for the economic collection of visual information to hopefully serve as evidence for the potential shoplifter, the task of collecting the auditory signals of the initial explosion, screams, and sirens are lost, is left to a domestic soundtrack of tapping and swiping fingers.